The Life and Times of One

I am the one and this is my life and these are my times. Whenever you think about the things that you commonly do, it always comes back to what you want most in life. I've been thinking a lot about desires lately.

• What do I want from my life?
• Who do I want to be?
• What do I want from others?

All these questions are ones which I may have no answers to, but they are what continues me forward into discovering more about my life. To be honest, though, there are many times when I don't really want to know the answers to these questions, that I want to simply exist, to have fun without my mind being consumed by these thoughts. To not be always playing the game, jockeying for position, every move calculated and reasoned through. To do something crazy that will either win it all or lose horribly, and then just enjoy the process, throwing caution to the wind, not needing to win, but just to be. Is it when we stop trying to defeat ourselves and just let go that we find the true freedom of the gospel? Can I get to the point where I know and accept that my mind will always be playing the game, that it can't let it go, but just to let it do that and ignore it? It may just be very possible that this will be the case at some point. There is already vestiges of the split of mind and body for me. I can preoccupy my mind, or that small part which is most annoying, and do other things that I want to do. I can put some headphones on my head and listen to Franz Ferdinand or Dirty Vegas and dance to my heart's content, throwing all peacocking to the wind, fine with who I am in that moment. I can absorb myself in a book and enter a new world, one which I may have never seen before, and just flow with the story, flow with the characters, find myself staring out the eyes of them and seeing the world in a new way. So the precursors are there, waiting for the next step to be taken.

So what is the next step? Where do we go from here? If, at this moment, I am standing on a precipice, then is it time to jump off or turn around and walk away? And here is where I am at, standing at the edge of the world, dancing to the beat I make in my head, moving closer, farther, closer, farther, oblivious to the edge where the decision must be made. And the still small voice asks, "Can you jump up and let me catch you, to hold you in my arms. Don't walk away, but don't jump down, but come to me and then you will find rest for your soul." Poising for the jump, the decision must be made. I'm not ready to make it, there's still something holding me back.