A Peace of Cake

This post really has nothing to do with cake and everything to do with peace. I had a really productive conversation yesterday with another T who I respect and love. I am always somewhat frustrated when I have to be a strong initiator in the lives of others, but it may be that that is something God is calling me to enjoy, and a way in which I can really show love to those around me. The conversation with my friend was particularly amazing because it connected so well with the ideas that had recently been presented to me in the book The Divine Conspiracy by Dallas Willard. He was talking about recapturing the identity and personality of God and Jesus as presented in the Scriptures. And then, through this conversation, we got onto the subject of the true progression of knowledge to Carpe Diem (Know Thyself). It first begins with, not "Who am I?" but rather with "Whose am I?" Depending on the answer, we can then ask, "What is the person to whom I belong like?" For the person devoted to Christ, the question becomes "Who is God?" In answering this question, we move onto the third question, which is "What is the general state of all persons who belong to who I belong to?" Essentially this comes down to "Who is humanity?" And when you have asked all of these questions, you can come to the point of asking "Who am I?" You can now ask this question more completely because you realize that the answer is not centered on you anymore but is centered on your position in reality. Who you are depends on who God is, who people are, and whether you belong to the Kingdom of God or the Kingdom of this world. Then who you are is an easy question to answer, because going through this process should give you all the answer that you need. And that is a great thing to know, I think.

Danger Averted...at least for now

The spiritual crisis has been taken care of...thanks to good friends and caring words. Thanks to the unnamed people in my life. You all show me Christ.

Danger, Will Robinson, Danger

A couple words: spiritual crisis...enough said.

Calm the F@#$ Down!

Sometimes I surprise myself with the depth of my emotional responses to things. This last post that I typed was at a pretty stressed time in my life, a time with a lot of already negative emotion and then exacerbated by the situations of my life. But calm also comes after the storm, and I am at peace once again, maybe more peaceful than I have been in a while. I'm still hurting and life is still painful, but I'm beginning the process of being renewed, of being cleaned with hyssop and purified through the blood of the Lamb. "'Come, let us reason together,' says the LORD, 'Though your sins are red like blood, they shall be white as snow; though they be like crimson, they shall be like wool.'" And I believe that. Up until recently, it never occurred to me that I was an extremely lazy person, especially when it comes to managing and progressing my own personal life. I have not really ever took a real interest in the way my life was turning out, but just coasted along on the circumstances that were around me, passively dealing with whatever came my way. What kind of fucked up existence is that? This part of me was pointed out to me by one of my friends, who was actually only referring to my life as a philosopher, but on further study of my life, I have discovered that it goes much deeper than that. This is one thing that I shouldn't really stand for, but I have let it be the controlling force in much of my life for much too long. It is time to take an active stance in my life and start moving myself into a place where what I want (aka, what God wants) is my primary focus and motive for life. Pray for me that this will be the case, if you are someone who believes in prayer's power.

DAMN IT!!!!!

PISSED OFF! I have this sinking feeling that I've done it again. No one can really deal with me for long. After a while of being around me, they have to flee from the black hole or be forever scarred, mentally, physically, whatever. FUCK! This continues to reinforce the insecurities that create this very problem. I have this crazy cyclical problem that I think would be released if I just could change my desires. But of course, I can't change them at all, I can't do anything about them, because they have been ingrained in my personality. I hope that I'm wrong, that it was referring to something else, that I'm jumping to a conclusion that doesn't hold any water, but the vibe is there. I now am being forced to cut it from 3 1/2 to 3, and even the 3 seems to be slipping away. Is this the way you punish me, how you make me suffer? Is this what I've been praying for, what I've wanted all this time. Even music can't do anything for me right now. I need silence, solitude. I need to have this over and done and free. Right now, I just want to curl up in a ball and die, get swept away in some ocean, never to return, never to destroy, never to be left alone again, because I'm always alone. you've taken pretty much everything else away: what is stopping here. Just take it all, all dreams, all hopes, all life. All I have left is me, and I don't like me. I can't stand me. Me is what is destructive, what causes pain, what makes stupidity an absolute. Me is where the idiot ends and the complete moron begins. It is somewhere between the most brilliant mind and the most insecure speck. Closer to the speck. What will people think about this if they ever read it. Years of pain, years of loss, years of stupidity, packaged in a short essay on personal grief, depression, loss, the end. If ever there was a reason to let it all go, to pass on and be done, now might just be the time. I've definitely thought about the end of it all, going to wherever it is that I'm going to end up, just floating away, away from thought, away from distraction, just leaving it all where it can go. It's not all about me, it never has been and it probably won't ever be again. So, then, what is it about? Where can the ending be made into new beginning? How can life be set free from it's shallowness and pride? How will this story end? How will it begin? There isn't anything left to say. The questions remain, like they always have. The pain is neverending, renewed each day with new tragedy and misery. Someone is dying just as I'm typing these words. Someone is crying. Someone is grieving. Oh, that it were me in their place. Oh that I could take on me the death of someone far better and more fit than me. A father whose children will now be alone. A son whose mother will now grieve for years to come. A child whose parents have been waiting all their lives for something that will no longer be. The pastor whose flock is now without guidance. The teacher whose students will no longer learn the wisdom she had to share. Death is inevitable. It comes like a theif, comes to take away the important things in people's lives. Without life there is no story, and without story there is no life. Pain is it's own reward and peace is the price. It is only when both are found together that true life can begin. Pain is what peace requires. Someone must sacrifice so that everyone can live. The story must be written, the tale must be told. And underneath it all, in the background of a million eyes staring back at you, telling you that there is nothing left to gain, that all is folly, that left is right and right is all that is left. In that place, beyond all thinking, beyond all staring, beyond all life and peace and strength, lies a fragile, broken, black hole. One which hasn't learned that it doesn't have to absorb everything to be complete. One that doesn't realize the things that it should want and denies that it wants the things it shouldn't. If there were only one thing left for this person, one thing for it to grab onto, one thing for it to hold onto, wouldn't it do it. Wouldn't it use its faith, reach into the air and go for it. Wouldn't it sell all feelings and needs and desires for the surpassing joy of following a magnificent leader? Wouldn't it lay all things aside, even life itself, even happiness, even fun, to will with His will, to feel His feelings, to think His thoughts after Him? Wouldn't this one risk everything that it had never even considered giving up before, everything that it thought it had, everything that it couldn't escape for more, for something better than anything it can give. If he would not, then what's the matter. Is it belief that he lacks? Is it something else that he can't deal with? Maybe it has to do with his place in this world, his place in the craziness that we find ourselves staring into with nothing staring back at us. Maybe he just continues to trace wood grains, long after the need for them has ended, jumping through hoops that no one else can even see, and which probably don't exist. Maybe he is just wrong about his views about the world. Maybe what he thinks he is after isn't really what he wants, but he is deceived into believing it. Where there is beginning, there is ending. Where nothing exists, there is nothing to hold onto. When all is at the end, then it can close into the dark, silent, void, empty space which holds no hope, no laughter, no fun. Is it time, I say, time to tear my clothes and pull out my hair? Time to dress myself in sackcloth and pour ashes on my head? What is my castigation, my penance, my humiliation. Perhaps I am now doomed to live always wanting, but never getting; always hoping, but never having it pan out; always striving for something more, but staying stuck in the same dark pit. Can something so small, so weak, so powerless, be of any concern to the power players of the galaxy? With nothing left to give, nothing left to hide, and that's all there is. I'll figure it all out in the end. And I may be wrong. We'll see...

No one does, but who really cares!

I think I'm content if no one is reading this blog. It's more for my benefit than for anyone who really wants to know about my life. I just let a person know that I would be willing to teach them things that I know about Christianity and the Bible. I would love to share my ideas and thoughts with someone who could grasp, critique and push them back at me with some meaningful dialogue. Most of the friends that I have had in the past have been either too close-minded to think about the things that I think about or they just weren't at the philosophical and intellectual level that I have gotten too. I think this person might actually be both and she is one of my four favorite people in Mission Year (the other three definitely fall into the first two categories). To have someone who really can engage this idea of desire and to look at my biblical evidence which lead to its conception and to provide other ideas (which they already have, need to finish that up and post it here...) of things that may have to also tie into it. Maybe I can't actually take a teacher-student role with this person, but at least I hope that as colleagues and fellow Bereans, we can push each other to better understanding and knowledge. I guess I'm not sure exactly whether it is even something that the other person wants to do, but the offer is already out there, so why not. That's all I got for now.

Does anyone read this?

I don't think that anyone reads the stuff that I write on this blog. I guess I would respond to that by saying that it's no big deal, I don't think I write anything that's worth reading anyway. So the question on my mind is, why do I continue to write on it? If no one is reading this and I don't really read the old posts that I've written, so what's the use. Here's what I come to. This typing must be therapeutic for me and believe me, today is one of those days when I could use some therapy. I feel a lot like an ancient Israelite today, one who is beholden to the law and does it because they know that they ought to, but miss the point of the heart of the law. When the prophets talk to the people, they are talking to me, when Jesus condemns people for hypocrisy, I am among the crowd he is condemning. Who knows a man's mind but the spirit that is within him. My spirit knows my mind and is grieving over it. At times, I wish I could recapture my childhood, the last vestiges of a blissful past. But those days are over and days of responsibility are what are left to us now. This brings me to the edge of the cliff once again. Jumping off? Walking away? Leaving it all behind and jumping into arms of love? Or just stand here at the edge, waiting, hoping, wishing that the answer was made for me. But it's not. I'm still here, waiting, not wanting to make the choice that passes the point of no return. Not willing to drop all of my nets to follow the one who has called. I'm still trapped by desire, by my ideas, by what I want and what I think I need, by a need for romance, for belonging, for companionship, all the things that I never have had, but have always really wanted. I see one of two ways out: either I find what I am looking for or else I find that what I am looking for is not what I really want. Right now, living under the restrictions that I am, I can't get to either one, and so I stay in frustration. Let me be free. Let me be stronger. Nothing is left for me now, just waiting. Can I get free from here? I don't even know. How do you free yourself from what you truly desire?

The Life and Times of One

I am the one and this is my life and these are my times. Whenever you think about the things that you commonly do, it always comes back to what you want most in life. I've been thinking a lot about desires lately.

• What do I want from my life?
• Who do I want to be?
• What do I want from others?

All these questions are ones which I may have no answers to, but they are what continues me forward into discovering more about my life. To be honest, though, there are many times when I don't really want to know the answers to these questions, that I want to simply exist, to have fun without my mind being consumed by these thoughts. To not be always playing the game, jockeying for position, every move calculated and reasoned through. To do something crazy that will either win it all or lose horribly, and then just enjoy the process, throwing caution to the wind, not needing to win, but just to be. Is it when we stop trying to defeat ourselves and just let go that we find the true freedom of the gospel? Can I get to the point where I know and accept that my mind will always be playing the game, that it can't let it go, but just to let it do that and ignore it? It may just be very possible that this will be the case at some point. There is already vestiges of the split of mind and body for me. I can preoccupy my mind, or that small part which is most annoying, and do other things that I want to do. I can put some headphones on my head and listen to Franz Ferdinand or Dirty Vegas and dance to my heart's content, throwing all peacocking to the wind, fine with who I am in that moment. I can absorb myself in a book and enter a new world, one which I may have never seen before, and just flow with the story, flow with the characters, find myself staring out the eyes of them and seeing the world in a new way. So the precursors are there, waiting for the next step to be taken.

So what is the next step? Where do we go from here? If, at this moment, I am standing on a precipice, then is it time to jump off or turn around and walk away? And here is where I am at, standing at the edge of the world, dancing to the beat I make in my head, moving closer, farther, closer, farther, oblivious to the edge where the decision must be made. And the still small voice asks, "Can you jump up and let me catch you, to hold you in my arms. Don't walk away, but don't jump down, but come to me and then you will find rest for your soul." Poising for the jump, the decision must be made. I'm not ready to make it, there's still something holding me back.

A Review of my Life Until Today

I've never done this before, so I will see how it works tomorrow. Anyway, I figure if I screw up, then no big deal, otherwise, sweet, it works. Today was a pretty relaxed one. I was at St. Vincent de Paul Champion Guidance Center and spent much of my volunteer time looking up information on Taize worship to be used in our worship. Unfortunately, when I sent it to myself, the email account I can access here deleted the .htm files on me, so I'll have to do something different, maybe using zip files or something. We'll just have to see.
In other news, the depression of the break has slowly lifted, and while I am still waiting on some things, most of life has gone back to normal, or as normal as my life can be in these crazy times. If you can name the band I just referenced, I will give you a cookie, maybe even one I baked myself. Otherwise, you're just out of luck.
Life has been this crazy and mixed up exchange for me between the inner workings of a rather possessive mind, as in it possessed me, for it was mine (or was it that I possessed it?), and the desires of an outside power which wanted to be mine, or rather, for me to be His. Now the war that continues to rage has left very little in way of a scuffle or scars, but has, at least for me, left me drastically changed. There is no clear winner as in the possession is not complete in either corner, but the victory seems to be sure and the battle mere play. And yet this is no game I speak of. It is not strategy that will win or rue the day, nor will it have anything to do with brute strength, being fought in the area of the mind. But one thing that is certain is that whenever things seems certain and the world seems like it should be, there is always something to tell you that not everything is right, that there are still differences between people, that there are still fights and wars, chaos and diffidence to rule the many facets of a crazy world.
If you stuck with me to the end here and even understood some of what was just said, then be thankful that you have a very twisted and weird mind, because if you stuck with this all, you will probably take that as a compliment. Peace to everyone.

Decipher my life and you make me obsolete.
~Proverbs of the Wise, 13th page...

What is going on here? Does anyone know?

I just got done reading a friend's blogs and there were a lot in there that were really moving and created a strange emotional response in me, odd because I am more a thinker than a feeler. I'm sitting here at home, having spent the last two weeks doing nothing the majority of the time and it is wholly unsatisfying. I haven't read any books, which I should have, done any devotionals, which I could have, spent any time preparing, which I would have, if I wasn't lost in this shallow life of me, washing around in a pool of my own vomit, masked by a destruction which looks so beautiful.

Here's a poem from me (maybe it will help you understand):

River
by: Jared

A river of life flows from the throne,
I see it's movement and watch as it comes,
It reaches for me, to catch me as I fall,
But I'm struggling to stand, building a wall,
One I can hide behind, one that is tall,
But the river keeps coming, relenting and strong,
To find me in weakness, to show me I'm wrong.

The pain is electric, but I block out it's strength,
Nothing will come of these trials, I think
But slowly it's changing, I am losing control,
Lost in the shadows of dreams untold,
And finding myself drowned in the cold,
The river keeps coming, washing away,
The ease and the comfort I felt that day.

A voice slowly whispers, words of relief,
It speaks very slowly, so I can understand,
But the voice it is using, speaks words I don't know,
Unfamiliar with promises, it wants me to grow,
Regardless of knowledge, it pushes me slow,
The river is pacing, carrying me along,
Slowly I'm changing, to right from the wrong.

The Word, it does carry me, unto the shore,
To float in the river, upstream to the throne,
But now the time comes, for the weak to appear,
For my pain to be manifest, my path to be clear,
For now I am seeing it all, through my tears,
The river will carry me, I will not cry or boast,
Into the arms of Him cares for me most.

Pain is reward and peace is the price. It will not be until both are realized together that anyone will truly live.
~Tarkola'an Bey,
from Words of Tarko, Devotions and Visions

Why is it that when I am feeling the most depressed that I suddenly become the most eloquent? Today is a new day, today is there for me to challenge and create new life in myself and in those around me. How are you doing at creating new life in those around you?

Everyone who falls on that stone will be broken to pieces, but he on whom it falls will be crushed.”
~Luke 20:18

May you fall on the Rock of your Salvation, that you may be broken and humble before his throne.
Peace and Love to all.