What is going on here? Does anyone know?

I just got done reading a friend's blogs and there were a lot in there that were really moving and created a strange emotional response in me, odd because I am more a thinker than a feeler. I'm sitting here at home, having spent the last two weeks doing nothing the majority of the time and it is wholly unsatisfying. I haven't read any books, which I should have, done any devotionals, which I could have, spent any time preparing, which I would have, if I wasn't lost in this shallow life of me, washing around in a pool of my own vomit, masked by a destruction which looks so beautiful.

Here's a poem from me (maybe it will help you understand):

River
by: Jared

A river of life flows from the throne,
I see it's movement and watch as it comes,
It reaches for me, to catch me as I fall,
But I'm struggling to stand, building a wall,
One I can hide behind, one that is tall,
But the river keeps coming, relenting and strong,
To find me in weakness, to show me I'm wrong.

The pain is electric, but I block out it's strength,
Nothing will come of these trials, I think
But slowly it's changing, I am losing control,
Lost in the shadows of dreams untold,
And finding myself drowned in the cold,
The river keeps coming, washing away,
The ease and the comfort I felt that day.

A voice slowly whispers, words of relief,
It speaks very slowly, so I can understand,
But the voice it is using, speaks words I don't know,
Unfamiliar with promises, it wants me to grow,
Regardless of knowledge, it pushes me slow,
The river is pacing, carrying me along,
Slowly I'm changing, to right from the wrong.

The Word, it does carry me, unto the shore,
To float in the river, upstream to the throne,
But now the time comes, for the weak to appear,
For my pain to be manifest, my path to be clear,
For now I am seeing it all, through my tears,
The river will carry me, I will not cry or boast,
Into the arms of Him cares for me most.

Pain is reward and peace is the price. It will not be until both are realized together that anyone will truly live.
~Tarkola'an Bey,
from Words of Tarko, Devotions and Visions

Why is it that when I am feeling the most depressed that I suddenly become the most eloquent? Today is a new day, today is there for me to challenge and create new life in myself and in those around me. How are you doing at creating new life in those around you?

Everyone who falls on that stone will be broken to pieces, but he on whom it falls will be crushed.”
~Luke 20:18

May you fall on the Rock of your Salvation, that you may be broken and humble before his throne.
Peace and Love to all.

I Don't Know...Really

There must be something worth writing right now, but I don't know what that is. I suppose I should first start by saying that I am so very ready to go back to Oakland right now. Being home is good for a while, but I've never really liked it here in Lambert and I desire to be free from this place. Well, there is always strange things going on in my life, but I can't always think about what it is that is happening. I have been enjoying watching some good anime shows - Samurai Deeper Kyo, Witch Hunter Robin, and playing a variety of computer games. Tonight we went bowling and then ate some pizza. That's all I have to talk about right now, I'm pretty tired and not thinking very straight. Adios all.

Crazy Times

My life is the weirdest thing in the world to me. It borders on absurd the more I think about it. I'm sitting in an upstairs room, typing about it. One thing that might be interesting to think about is trusting in God. I'm not sure I always know what this means, but it seems like an important thing in this life of mine. Trust is the belief that someone will be true to whatever they say and do. Does this make sense as a definition. If I trust something, I have the belief that what it has always done, or what it says it will do, it will do. Like I trust that when I am driving around and come to a green light, I believe that I can go ahead and drive through the intersection and that the people going the other way through will not ignore their red light and crash into me. Is trust in God the same type of thing? Is it nothing more than believing that He will do what He says He will do? Do I really believe that what God has done in the past, He can do right now? I mean, if I did, would I not live very differently, letting people know about this God who is always faithful. One of my roommates first pointed this idea out for me and I think that it is true. If God can do anything He wants to, He can most assuredly do whatever we need Him to do. You know what I need; I believe you can provide it. Done and done.

Death, mortality and all things morbid

So, being faced with your own mortality, there are many things that can go through a person's head. You think about things that you would miss out on, people you love, things you haven't said yet, and things you have. Needless to say, near-death experiences are good at waking you up to what is going on in your life. For an example, I am sitting here with my computer, which I am currently frustrated at because it won't run this new game like I wish it would. Why do I want to spend my time doing this? Is there any point to playing video games? I realize what I think, because it has been a part of me for a very long time: that it is definitely worth it to play video games. I was in a car accident this past Sunday! I mean, here I am, worrying about video games, and all that matters, or should matter, anyway, is that my computer won't run this game.

I almost wish I had never played a video game. It would make things so much easier to now give them up. Death is a weird thing. Who really knows when it will come, whom it will strike, where it will find people in their day to day lives, and all sorts of other questions which I don't have the answers to. Maybe death comes to every man, but how will it find us? Where will we be?

Beginnings

For now, I think that I will spend time writing random happenings and random thoughts and anything else I can think of. I am thinking about a novel I am writing so some of those musings might end up on here too. And I suppose that some of my life might soak into here to, but I think most of that type of stuff will occur at www.xanga.com/Tarkolaan_Bey instead, since I should probably start using that. We'll see what evolves with this. Hi everyone who decides to read this.